I’ve written eight manuscripts in less than eighteen months.
This, after years of thinking I should get back to writing one day. Maybe. If I found the time.
Years of wanting to be a writer, yet not quite believing in myself enough to sit down and commit. Lifelong insecurities told me I didn’t deserve success. Other people did, but not me. Stay out of the limelight. Remain in the shadows.
Then a single existential event lit the fuse.
A hug from an old acquaintance, and the nearly forgotten feeling that a man saw me anew and wanted—maybe—to fall in love with me.
A hug lit that fuse. An hour or two of chatting nearly extinguished it.
No, it wasn’t to be. It turned out he’d been raised the way I was, in a world where intimate, spoken, easily expressed love was a foreign concept. He didn’t speak that language any better than I did.
In the moment that followed, I hit a crisis. A true, desperate point in my life when I realized I might never have a man of my own. I would remain as I’d always been—alone.
It wouldn’t have hurt so much if I hadn’t already created my new life in my imagination. I saw what it could be, and it was wonderful. But imagination isn’t real life, and reality sucked big time.
That desperation had me questioning life itself. What was the point if I didn’t have a person of my own? What was the fucking point?
And then came a period of quiet. Stillness.
I sat and remembered that I already knew the feeling of connection. I’d experienced it while imagining what life with this man might be like.
It wasn’t the man. It was the feeling I was after.
And I already knew how to find it.
I could create people from my imagination and float around like a ghost, witnessing their intimacy, their quiet moments of communication, the way they gazed into each other’s eyes.
I’m fucking there.
The characters may be typed on a page—or a screen—but their feelings inhabit the void I was trying to fill.
So I contacted an old writing coach who was excited to have me back.
And there was a fifth great-grandfather who’d been quietly waiting for me to notice him.
Andrew McClary spoke the love language I understood—restrained but intense. A glance. A touch. A few words. Seems so little, but the power of his love was almost overwhelming.
Andrew found the sadness in my heart and filled it.
Whenever I sat down to write, he was there. Sometimes, even when I was doing other things, Andrew showed up. That quiet presence exuded love.
I wrote three books about Andrew and his family.
The first was about his life leading up to his death at age 45 at the Battle of Bunker Hill. The next was about Andrew’s nephew Michael, who carried his uncle’s imprint into a life that saw too much war. Love, again, was a theme.
Finally, I wondered what life had been like for Andrew’s youngest child, Nancy. She never knew her father, but I invented a notebook for her to hold, a way to connect with him. He turns up in other ways, too. A love as strong as Andrew’s can seep through boundaries separating life and death.
Halfway through one manuscript, my imagination was usually searching for the next.
One story after another. Different people, different times, different circumstances.
But something connects them.
My characters can’t always find love through ordinary channels because they don’t believe themselves worthy of it.
Love finds them anyway.
And I get to feel it, too.

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